I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
