Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
