I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
