good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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