i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
