Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
