there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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