god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
