I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
