worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
