I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
