Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
