You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
