My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
