Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
