please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
