you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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