i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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