so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
