the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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