census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
