After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
