My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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