her vagine was all disorganized.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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