bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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