Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
