i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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