he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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