WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can Purell be used as lube?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
