My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
