Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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