I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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