I think im going to throw up on grandma
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
