all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."