You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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