im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you