Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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