bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
