soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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