weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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