Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want nice things and good sex
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
