I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
