Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
