I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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