I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
