Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
