i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
