No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
