Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
