He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
