this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
