Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
