Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
