Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
