So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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