Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
