New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
