The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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