and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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