My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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