Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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