I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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